How To Know A Person by David Brooks
“A person who feels safe because of the reliable and empathetic presence of others will see the world as a wider, more open, and happier place.”
3 Main Messages:
Listen with curiosity, not judgement to truly understand others
“We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.”
To be wise is to know about life and this is learned through experiences, reflections, conversations and questions
I recently wrote a reference for an old colleague and was reminded of the quote about humility: that it is “not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less”, which describes him perfectly - someone confident and capable, yet generous, empathetic and interested in others. He creates a culture of trust and safety, where people feel seen.
Imagine working for someone like this! Imagine being a person like this!
David Brooks wrote How To Know A Person because he wasn’t like this at all but, over the years has learned how to be, and still considers himself a work in progress. He asks us to think of those people we know who give their undivided attention in conversations and sees someone else so deeply that they feel seen, valued, heard and understood.
I am blessed to have a few people like this in my life. They are like liquid sunshine. They fill my cup and I always feel buoyed from being in their company. They see the best in me, which is so valuable because “how you see me is how I see myself.”
Koreans call this “Nunchi” and Germans call it “Herzensbilding”. Brooks wrote this book in order to explain the art of seeing others deeply and why this is so important, particularly as our communities seem to be becoming increasingly polarised and fragmented. With the increase in AI it is also critical that we continue to lean into what it is that makes us human and this is our empathy and connection; our humanity.
Part one of the book is titled ‘I see you’ and it explores the traps that we often fall into when communicating with others. It then explains how to build both our social skills and the conversational skills which will bring out the best in our companions. Brooks writes about how he has changed from wanting to be knowledgeable, to wishing to be wise, which he describes as “having a compassionate understanding of other people,” and “knowing about life.” These characteristics cannot be fast tracked, but reflecting and practising will certainly help.
He writes about the traps that we often fall into: egotism, anxiety, naïve realism, lesser minds problem, objectivism, essentialism and having a static mindset. Being interested in others seems key here, as he suggests that indifference towards others is possibly the worst sin. The opposite of this is to pay close attention and to have “awareness of the infinite dignity of each person you meet.”
While having a positive attitude and an abundance mindset are important, Brooks also highlights the importance of learning the art of conversation. He believes that high quality conversations “lead people on a mutual expedition towards understanding” and he shares how to create conversations which go deeper and create connections. Much emphasis is placed on learning how to speak and present, and yet learning to listen is crucial. He shares the SLANT method of active listening: sit up, lean forward, ask questions, nod your head, track the speaker.
This reminds me of Louis Theroux and his amazing ability to befriend people from all walks of life. They trust him and open up to him. Watch, and you’ll see that he demonstrates all of the techniques. He also asks brilliant questions - another area covered by Brooks in this book.
Ultimately, this beautiful book is not about how to know a person, it’s about how to be a better person. It’s about seeing and seeking the best in others. Afterall, “being open-hearted is a prerequisite for being a full, kind, and wise human being.”
And who wouldn’t want to be just that?
