The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware
“Every day in itself is a gift and a blessing. It is all we ever have anyway, the moment we are in.”
3 Main Messages:
We often realise the important things about life when it is too late.
There are different ways to measure wealth and many things which are more important than money, title and status
The most important things are relationships, with ourselves and with others.
In recent conversations with friends we have been increasingly talking about our aging parents and our own future plans. What is interesting is that we all assume that we will be healthy - or ‘wellderly’ as my friend put it. Not ‘illderly.’ It is not the quantity, but the quality of life, after all, that we are seeking. As my friendship group and our parents age, as friends and family members die, we are all forced to confront the inevitable realisation: as put by The Flaming Lips - “Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?”
I wasn’t sure whether to include this book review in my ‘professional’ reviews on my website, but actually, perhaps it is the most important book of all. After all, the other texts are about finding purpose, being efficient, speaking with kindness, leaving a legacy etc etc, surely the messages in this book feed into all of those themes.
And what ARE the top five regrets of the dying?
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
I wish I had let myself be happier
Bronnie Ware has lived a life less ordinary. She has travelled lots, eschewed material wealth, and spent her life living with and caring for others; a life of service and deep meaning. What she has lacked in possessions, she has made up for in connection, wisdom and love. This book is different. It is a memoir and a gift of valuable lessons learned and passed on to us.
Bronnie introduces us to numerous people who she cared for up to and during their death. In each story there is gentleness, warmth, respect and reverence. We meet, get to know, and say goodbye to the elderly people that she knew and loved, learning a little about their lives and reading their realisations in the face of death.
We learn that connection and relationships are vital to happiness. As one of her wards told her, “It’s not just about staying in touch with your friends, dear girl. It is about giving yourself the gift of their company too.” Loneliness has been shown multiple times over to be a silent killer and so remaining in contact with loved ones feeds the soul and the spirit. It’s important to stay in touch.
In the spirit of ‘Let Them’ by Mel Robbins, there is also much reference to having inner peace, to living the life that you want to live, rather than the one others expect of you and to remember that we all answer to ourselves at the end of the day. While we have a duty to our families, we also have a duty to ourselves and only one life to live, so it’s important that we make the most of it.
There is also an emphasis on living in the moment, of letting go of material wealth and realising that richness can be measured in many ways other than financially. She writes that “True value is not on what you own but who you are.” Her stories about loving, grieving families, honest conversations and tender moments are sometimes hard to read but at the same time are deeply warm, comforting and reassuring. There is a peace and acceptance in what she has seen. She writes about witnessing death as a privilege.
Many years ago I heard a vicar talk about 2 funerals he oversaw within the same week. One, he said, was a celebration, while the other was a tragedy. One was an elderly man and the other was a 20 year old youth. When questioning the old man’s family, he could find no great stories, no interests, no love of work, no hobbies, no joy. A life wasted. The young man, however, had travelled the world, had adventure and fun and had deeply touched the lives of everyone he met: a short but rich life. As Bonnie writes “We will all die, but this work was reminding me we all have a choice too, on how to live in the meantime.”
This book is not about how to be better at work. It is a book about how to be better at life. I can’t actually think of anything more important.
