Mattering by Jennifer Breheny Wallace
“Mattering is like gravity: unseen but essential. It holds us in place. It steadies us. ”
3 Main Messages:
The world is smaller than we realise and so our impact is greater than we think
Little and often we can build connection and send positive ripples into the world
When people know that they and their work matter, they are more fulfilled, productive and happy.
I have become increasingly aware of what a small world we live in. You’ve probably heard of the ‘Kevin Bacon 6 degrees of separation’ but I feel that 6 degrees is too much. By my calculations, I think that even I am only 3 steps away from the man himself - which means, if you know me, then you are 4! We all have our ‘gosh what a small world!’ stories and I honestly think that we are more connected than we realise.
The implications of this are huge. Jennifer Breheny Wallace agrees: "Researchers have found that our behaviours and emotional states can ripple through our social networks up to three degrees of separation. That means we influence not just our friends, but their friends, and even their friends' friends. In other words, your actions matter to people you may never meet."
Our state of being affects people we may never meet, and so will our ideas, our solutions and our recommendations. We’ll never know how far our effect reaches. This makes it all the more important to make sure that our impact is a positive one through conscious leadership. Our actions and words all matter.
It may not feel like it sometimes and Wallace also writes about the negative effects of us not feeling seen, valued and noticed. It impacts our sense of self-worth and also our productivity. Being valued actually means that we add value. “Each small kindness, each time we tune in and make someone feel seen and valued, we are building a mattering network.” The ripple effects of these small acts of kindness reach further than we will ever know.
Wallace tells many true stories about the impact that real people have had on others, including stories about fire-fighters in South Carolina, pubs in South London and cafes around the world which have created spaces and systems for bringing people together into a safe space where they and their actions feel seen. Perhaps to emphasise how small the world is, the pub she references is my old local: the Bedford in Balham. And the Chatty Cafe group she describes is run in Melbourne by a wonderful lady I met recently at a wedding.
The world is small and our impact in it is greater than we realise.
It was reassuring to read a common thread of listening throughout Mattering. “The ability to truly listen and connect is what shapes the quality of our interactions and the strength of our bonds.” Really deep listening creates connection and builds trust. Those who listen with curiosity and patience give us the space to explore and expand our thoughts and hold us while we do so. Listening is an incredibly generous gift.
“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity” - Simone Weil
Wallace also writes about the importance of reflecting back what people have said and asking good questions. “When you begin to reflect others back to themselves by asking thoughtful questions and deeply listening, you model what attunement looks and feels like and invite others to join you.” It is this attunement that creates a bond and a feeling of mattering.
As a coach, I know these things to be true. As adrienne maree brown said: “What you pay attention to grows.” This is certainly true in terms of cognitive bias and it’s also true in people. When we pay attention to people; when we truly listen to them and let them know that they matter, their skills and self-confidence will grow.
Wallace suggests that we choose to act as ‘cornermen’ - similar to those you see in a boxing ring. “Unlike a cheerleader who only offers encouragement, a cornerman is willing to tell us what we need to hear”. A cornerman is someone who is really invested in the success of others and will notice, cajole, celebrate, redirect, train and support that person in getting where they need to go.
Uncomfortable truths may need to be told, but a cornerman will give a message which needs to be heard in order to ensure the success of others. These messages will only be received if there is deep trust. The first step in building trust is listening.
I found this book to be really uplifting and enjoyable. There are so many positive stories about people caring for others and the collective positive impact as a result of people feeling that they really matter. It’s well worth a read to help us all to send positive ripples out into the world. It needs that right now. I’m sure Kevin Bacon would agree.
